... ...waiting... ...

I was reading this thread just now entitled A feeling like you are waiting for something??? and I realized that there are other people who have this same feeling.

Ever since I really began a quest to understand myself through introspection and self-reflection around maybe 10 years ago I've noticed this feeling. In fact, it's become one of the most dominate, yet ubiquitous feelings I have on a constant basis throughout the day.

Just this morning it became so strong and almost overwhelming that I found myself silently chanting, "I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for something. What am I waiting for?"

Is it 2012? Is it the introduction to a spiritual master? Whatever it is, my deeper self seems convinced that it is coming, and it will change things. It may a personal change, or it may be something bigger.

This feeling called "waiting" has lead to a tremendous amount of anxiety, discomfort, and foreboding for me. It seems to have something to do with culture or civilization because it seems connected to my sense of lack of purpose - a general apathy concerning my material life.

I'm constantly asking myself, "Why am I still here?" "Why do I pretend to care about stuff?" "Why don't I just stop trying?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "Why do I act at all?"

I'm also waiting for the answers to those questions. I'm waiting for something to give me purpose, something that I can believe in and strive toward. Something I feel is important and worthwhile.

I hesitate to become too entrenched in the world because it feels like it doesn't matter. But I am here aren't I? There must be a reason I am here in the first place. In a way, I feel I do have a purpose for continuing - unfortunately it's unclear to me what that is.

I feel like I should be doing something with my time and energy, something that gets me closer to fulfilling the hidden purpose.

I have to go. My cousin wants to show me her new car. I will act, but I really don't give a shit.

Disgusting

I was working tonight, and in the background the tv was playing a program about the history of the mormon church.

There was a part which described how during the time of the industrial revolution in Britain, the church leaders in America decided to send missionaries to convert the poor, destitute, suffering masses of villagers who had been forced into the cities to live and work in truly horrible, dehumanising conditions.

I was struck by the audacity of such a decision. There are many ugly things that people can do to one another, none more deserving of the term "Evil" than those which prey upon and profit from the spiritual desperation of a suffering soul.

Organized religion has made it it's central focus to control and profit from man's natural longing to understand his god, to find communion with the mystical, and to feel himself a part of the beauty that's inherant in the creations of the universe.

There can be no darker evil, than to prey upon another's spiritual deficit. This is a crime for which there is no equal. This is a crime against The Great Spirit Himself, a criminal act set against the magical Beauty of the Mother Universe Herself.

The most sacred part of the human being is her longing to participate in the Love of her creator, that one true ecstacy of spiritual connection, the Truth that is in fact the only truth.

In God's infinite wisdom and love, all things are forgivable and understood in the light of suffering. But I believe that the Karmic effects of hideous acts like these must be the greatest tragedy that a soul can endure.

To set out to gain from that most mystical of all human suffering; the timeless spiritual longing that has created our wisest shaman, our greatest spiritual teachers, our most profound and beautiful works of art and music; makes me feel deeply angry and sick.

What action could possibly be more horrendous and evil than to take advantage of the very highest, most noble and sweetly innocent pursuit that a suffering soul can engage in?

In my opinion, none.

Ominous unmarked black helicopter

I awoke this morning to my Aunt knocking on my door in a panic. "Wake up! There's an airplane about to crash over us!" I immediately heard a very loud noise echoing through the neighborhood. I looked out the window and saw lights, and decided to go outside to investigate.

We went out to the front yard and hovering in the sky very close to the house was a black helicopter. I've never seen one that close before, and have never seen one hover almost directly overhead for so long. It continued to hover as we looked at it. My aunt said she heard it sputter, and make weird noises, which is what originally alarmed her.

It was daylight (around 6:20am). As we were standing there it suddenly turned on it's lights and slowly turned to face us. I got the impression that it was looking for someone (or something) in the immediate area. I went inside to get my phone and snapped a couple of pictures of it, thinking to myself, "Ok, this'll scare it away..." After about 3 pics had been snapped it began to fly in larger and larger circles around our house. I went inside, thinking it must be leaving soon.

I then thought that I would go back outside, have a smoke and get another look at it to try and figure out what was so interesting here on this street. As I went outside, it was still flying in circles overhead, and as soon as I saw it again it broke off to slow path straight north.

Following it were 2 small triangle bird formations.

It was there in pretty much one spot just overhead and to the east for around 15 min. before it began to circle, which it did for about another 5 before it left. the pics I snapped suck, and don't convey the confusion and trepidation I felt as whomever was flying it seemed to be interested in us.

What the hell was it doing just sitting there? Why did it seem interested in this house in particular? Was it looking for someone? If so, did it find him?