The Forest for the trees.

So I wait. I feel like I'm awaiting a verdict. The trial is taking place inside of her.

She turned off her phone. She wants uninterrupted time with him.

She said she sobbed last night after we talked. It was because she doesn't want me to hurt. Not wanting me to hurt wouldn't cause her to sob, but the guilt of knowing that I will soon be in pain because of her actions might.

Am I assuming too much? Am I jumping to too many conclusions?

I can do 1 of 2 things. Attempt to analyze what little information I have and come to some conclusions, or try not to think about it. Analyzing without real information leads to a tremendous amount of conjecture, and amplifies my anxiety.

I've been doing it without recognizing that I am. It's been automatic and restless. The consequences of doing that have been to make her not want to speak to me - or at least that's the optimistic conclusion.

I want to resist analyzing what's happening over there. It doesn't do me any good and it can't lead to the truth. All I can do is analyze my emotions and actions to learn from them, to illuminate a larger portion of my inner world.

I have to remind myself that I am the being initiating the thought process, I am not the thought process itself. I am the being to whom the emotions are communicating, I am not the emotions nor their communication.

I can choose to focus the attention of my thoughts on whatever I please. They'll analyze what I tell them to if I can remember to direct them and not identify with them. What would I have them analyze? What would benefit my journey? Through experience and logic it's obvious that directing the thoughts to K's actions isn't getting me anywhere.

As I was outside smoking the image of a forest came into my mind. In the image I was hovering above the trees, analyzing the landscape. I could flap my wings, or open them and soar on the wind.

All of those trees combined to form a being called the forest. Each tree was a part of that whole, but seen from the ground this wasn't apparent. All that is apparent from that perspective is the individual vegetation: trees, shrubs, grass. Wandering through the brush and towering trees is frightening; it's a labyrinth.

On the forest floor the trees control me, but above them I control me.

That winged being is my attention. I wish for him to soar and see the landscape for what it really is.

Twisting, Wrenching...

My stomach is in knots. All the anxiety and uncertainty, foreboding and worry I feel has nowhere to manifest it's nervous energy except in the pit of my stomach. I'm warm and out of breath. I can hardy focus my attention on anything, my mind being occupied with keeping this tension from pulling my muscles and organs apart inside this body.

I had almost forgotten how this feels, how it chases away all other sensation away like a tortured, rabid dog, starved for affection and comfort, willing to maim and devour anything nearby. I can feel my heart, not so much beating as it is striking against my ribcage in a seeming attempt to break out through the bars of it's cage.

She sounded nervous on the phone. She's been there for a couple of hours. He's been eyeing her body hungrily for at least that long. I can only imagine the depth of his desire for her flesh - she likes to play with fire. Getting burned has happened often enough to her that it's become an identifyable pattern. I can only Will, hope and pray that she comes back unscorched.

My emotions are mine. I have to seek to change how it feels. I can't expect "the outside" to avoid hurting me in this way, that's foolish. Running will only strengthen the anguish. God, I had forgotten how debilitating this is.

I can't overwhelm myself by thinking that's it's just begun - the first of 4 days (or worse, 3 nights). Stop it!

She told me weeks ago that this trip will not affect our relationship. I never asked her to make specific promises. If I had she would have told me what I wanted to hear regardless of what the actual plan may be. Even assuming she was truthful, plans change. That is something I've learned to expect with her - her word is based only on present emotions, when they shift (or reveal their true character) the plan may easily change.

I can only trust. I can't trust that she won't do something with him. I can't trust that she won't give him the opportunity to do something to her. I can't trust that he won't manufacture an opportunity to do something to her. I can only trust that this is the way it has to be, that this is the way Nature intended for it to be.

All experience is an opportunity to grow, learn and evolve. I have to seize my opportunities here, I must not only cope, but learn to redirect the incoming energy to my benefit. So easily said, yet so immensely daunting.

Something I've learned from art: Deep, nuanced blacks and lower grays provide the image with an enormous potential for contrast. A contrast that lends itself to a stark beauty, full of hues and values pregnant with depth and meaning.

When I set down to draw, I start with the darks. They define the composition and allow for the mental sensation of slowly and carefully "pulling" the image out of the bleakness and chaos. It's only dawned on me recently how symbolically important that process is to me.

Maybe I can understand more if I force myself to perform that symbolic action. Maybe that is my Magick. Perhaps that is my ritual incantation. All of this power and energy MUST go somewhere and if I don't use it for insight and spiritual evolution, it will fester and seep out through the cracks in the walls of my soul, the cracks which are my weaknesses; my drives to self-destruction and torment, self-pity and despair.

How can I avoid using the drawing process as a distraction? That is a question I have to give serious thought to. Right now I need fresh air, I'm starting to feel like I can't breathe again.

... ...waiting... ...

I was reading this thread just now entitled A feeling like you are waiting for something??? and I realized that there are other people who have this same feeling.

Ever since I really began a quest to understand myself through introspection and self-reflection around maybe 10 years ago I've noticed this feeling. In fact, it's become one of the most dominate, yet ubiquitous feelings I have on a constant basis throughout the day.

Just this morning it became so strong and almost overwhelming that I found myself silently chanting, "I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for something. What am I waiting for?"

Is it 2012? Is it the introduction to a spiritual master? Whatever it is, my deeper self seems convinced that it is coming, and it will change things. It may a personal change, or it may be something bigger.

This feeling called "waiting" has lead to a tremendous amount of anxiety, discomfort, and foreboding for me. It seems to have something to do with culture or civilization because it seems connected to my sense of lack of purpose - a general apathy concerning my material life.

I'm constantly asking myself, "Why am I still here?" "Why do I pretend to care about stuff?" "Why don't I just stop trying?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "Why do I act at all?"

I'm also waiting for the answers to those questions. I'm waiting for something to give me purpose, something that I can believe in and strive toward. Something I feel is important and worthwhile.

I hesitate to become too entrenched in the world because it feels like it doesn't matter. But I am here aren't I? There must be a reason I am here in the first place. In a way, I feel I do have a purpose for continuing - unfortunately it's unclear to me what that is.

I feel like I should be doing something with my time and energy, something that gets me closer to fulfilling the hidden purpose.

I have to go. My cousin wants to show me her new car. I will act, but I really don't give a shit.