The Wise Self or He Who Knows or Holy Guardian Angel

I've always been aware of an aspect of my consciousness that had answers. This aspect has always been something that I could consult for direction or ideas that I could translate into words or images. I've called it "The Wise Self".

It now occurs to me that my "Wise Self" may be the same aspect that Crowley called "The Holy Guardian Angel" or HGA.

Upon recent reflection on what I mean when I internally use the concept "I" (as opposed to the socially useful concept of "I" which refers to the body and mind), it seems to me that I have unwittingly identified with my entire inner world in general, including the desires, drives, analytic/logical faculty, nervous system/sense impressions, etc., calling the whole "I".

If I take that wholistic concept and subject it to the Fire of the intellect, it becomes immediately apparent that there are influences which are felt that cannot possibly be included in the true "I" because they are fleeting, effervecant, controllable, etc. If I can control an impulse for example, that impulse must not be "I" because then who would be the one controlling it?

An image came to me earlier which can best be described as a cloud among a night sky littered with stars. This cloud moves in one direction, then in another. It splits itself off into pieces, then coalesces again taking on a new shape. It never ceases, it continually changes - becoming dense and white, then airy and subtle.

Along it's travels and evolution it seems to come into contact with nearby stars and constellations. One minute engulfing Ursa Major, the next branching off to cover partly the constellation and reaching towards and finally touching some other stars with it's newly formed limbs.

Some of the stars are very bright, some are barely noticable, some in clusters, some without close neighbors.

Is this an analogy for my sense of self? Am "I" the immense cloud(s) with it's limbs and siblings constantly identifying with the stars it comes into contact with? only to shift and move and become another shape that takes in other influences, creating a new "I"?

In this metaphor the Wise Self or HGA must be the Moon, brighter than the other stars, huge in it's influence and grandeur. While the other stars/influences stand out against the night sky, The Wise Self illuminates the earth by reflecting the eternal light of The Sun.

This cloud of identity is controllable, I have it within my power to focus it. If I wish to expend my energy on the sexual influences say (possibly corresponding to a constellation?) I can do so by searching the internet for pictures that arouse that aspect of my libido - the cloud shifts to my will.

If I wish to expend that same energy on spiritual matters, I can do that as well. All the time I mistakenly identify with those impulses, they become "I".

In conclusion, it is obvious to me that I can with sustained effort and perserverance I can learn to shift or identify with The Moon or The Wise Self by concentrating my attention not in the impulsive or emotional or intellectual influences, but by not allowing those influences to distract me. By doing this I can gather the strength/density of The Cloud Called I and direct it/me to The Wise Self, the teacher and master, He Who Knows.

If I can learn to do this efficiently than I'd be willing to bet that I will see dramatic increases in my creative capacity/receptivity, my understanding of the particular plan or narrative that I am involved in, my overall sense of well-being and trust in Nature, and a decrease in the sometimes crippling anxiety about the future that I deal with.

I am convinced that these words are a translation of the impressions and ideas given to my intellect by my Wise Self.

Disgusting

I was working tonight, and in the background the tv was playing a program about the history of the mormon church.

There was a part which described how during the time of the industrial revolution in Britain, the church leaders in America decided to send missionaries to convert the poor, destitute, suffering masses of villagers who had been forced into the cities to live and work in truly horrible, dehumanising conditions.

I was struck by the audacity of such a decision. There are many ugly things that people can do to one another, none more deserving of the term "Evil" than those which prey upon and profit from the spiritual desperation of a suffering soul.

Organized religion has made it it's central focus to control and profit from man's natural longing to understand his god, to find communion with the mystical, and to feel himself a part of the beauty that's inherant in the creations of the universe.

There can be no darker evil, than to prey upon another's spiritual deficit. This is a crime for which there is no equal. This is a crime against The Great Spirit Himself, a criminal act set against the magical Beauty of the Mother Universe Herself.

The most sacred part of the human being is her longing to participate in the Love of her creator, that one true ecstacy of spiritual connection, the Truth that is in fact the only truth.

In God's infinite wisdom and love, all things are forgivable and understood in the light of suffering. But I believe that the Karmic effects of hideous acts like these must be the greatest tragedy that a soul can endure.

To set out to gain from that most mystical of all human suffering; the timeless spiritual longing that has created our wisest shaman, our greatest spiritual teachers, our most profound and beautiful works of art and music; makes me feel deeply angry and sick.

What action could possibly be more horrendous and evil than to take advantage of the very highest, most noble and sweetly innocent pursuit that a suffering soul can engage in?

In my opinion, none.

Here. Now.

I think I may have discovered something interesting and useful while at K's. It happened suddenly as we were driving to get fastfood. Out of the blue, I felt a sense of peace, relaxation and appreciation come over me. It was markedly different from how I was feeling only seconds before.

As this feeling washed over me (like a tide, as feelings normally do when I pay attention to them) I instantly tried to analyze the situation. Why was I feeling this way? I noticed something different about my thoughts. They weren't racing, swirling as they normally are - they were still, content to notice and appreciate the environment.

I was hearing the music playing on the CD player (it was The Birthday Massacre), I was seeing the colored lights of the city, I was feeling the night air. I wasn't searching or trying. Most importantly (I think) I wasn't referencing what I was experiencing to past experiences, nor was I thinking about possible future experiences. It was the simple peace of the present moment.

Is this what the Zen Buddists do when they meditate? As they say: Be Here, Now. Because I constantly reference the present moment to similar past or future moments, I tend to dismiss the present with thoughts like, "I've been down this street before," or "I've heard this song before." In doing so I convince myself that I don't need to pay too much attention to the exact moment I find myself in.

When I allow myself to pay close attention, not to the parts that make up a moment (the separate senses), but to the whole that is the mixture of the pieces, I can feel the novelty of the particular mixture. It's the difference between tasting bread and tasting butter, compared to tasting buttered bread.

I continue to experiment with this conscious perceiving. To varying degrees, I always feel a sense of appreciation and peace.

I am Dreaming. Remain Calm. I am Dreaming...

It occurred to me tonight while in the shower, that the dream state may be much more than a simple playground for the subconscious. In my study of ancient wisdom texts, it is stressed over and over again the importance of the imagination, the importance of the ability to create with the mind alone.

Could it be that the dream state is a school for the spiritual aspirant? It seems that 90% of my dreams take place in some type of school-like environment. I've always thought it was just because I love to learn new things, but maybe it's more than that. I've had lucid dreams before, and it seems that one of three things happens:

1. I become excited upon realization that I can do whatever I please, and I instantly wake up.
2. I become excited, and before I realize what is happening I fly into the air - then wake up.
3. I become excited, but attempt to calm myself, and have the ability to change the course of the dream before being overcome with excitement and waking up.

What if I concentrated on remaining calm only, and avoided the impulse to live out some fantasy?

Last night/this morning I became aware that I was dreaming, but only partially. Some part of my mind knew that I could change the surroundings, so I tried and was minimally successful. In fact, I struggled to gain control, but I intuitively knew how it "felt" to change things. I didn't "say" it in my mind ("this can change into this...") but I imagined that it were different, expecting the dream to conform, which it usually does. In this instance it didn't due to self-doubt.

I think what I need to do, is train myself to 1. recognize that I am dreaming, then, 2. to remind myself to stay calm so I can remain in the dream state and gain incremental control over the surroundings. If I can do this, hopefully, I can gain enough self-control to probe my dream-world for information about myself/reality. In essence, I can gain direct access to my subconscious mind, in order to learn more about myself.

From now on, when I am going to sleep, I will repeat to myself: I will recognize that I am dreaming. I will remain calm. I will remember it upon waking.

Alchemy and Hermeticism

Hermeticism is something I've always been very interested in. The conclusions that humans have come to and the rituals that they have employed to enlighten themselves throughout the centuries fascinates me. I continue to study the works of the hermeticists, theosophists, and alchemists in an attempt to realize the truth about the nature of the self (selves) and reality.

Last weekend I read Theurgy and The Secret Fire, both written by E. J. Langford Gartsin, which I found at hermetics.org.

A major theme of Alchemical writing is the separation of the soul/mind from the physical body. Having read about this before, I tried it again (I've been experimenting with OBE or Astral Projection for years now). The results were subtle, but important:

I lied in bed, K by my side, asleep. I allowed my body to relax, as I consciously kept my mind awake (the "mind awake, body asleep" technique). I focused on nothingness, and listened to the sounds of my ears. As has happened before, my limbs stiffened, my heart-rate decreased, and I felt myself "drifting". I could feel my subtle body attempting to separate, but the "pull" or "magnetism" of my physical body kept it from it's goal.

After a little while K stirred, half woke up and began rubbing her face with her hands. I couldn't resist and opened my eyes, thinking to myself that she was distracting me from my practice. I said, "Are you ok?" She replied, "I'm washing my face..."

I began thinking about what that meant to me, given The Universe's symbolic language. I came to the conclusion that it was not a distraction, but a communication. In the Alchemical/Hermetic texts, it is stressed that the Adept must "purify" or "cleanse" himself before attempting The Art/Practice. The washing of the face was symbolic of this very cleansing.

I am now faced with the question: What exactly must one do to purify or cleanse one's self? I've taken it as an ethical/spiritual cleansing, i.e., the student must live a life of compassion, humility and suffering before Nature will grant him the privilege of separation (The First Matter).

I must take Her advice and be aware of any opportunities to be compassionate and loving, empathetic and gentle.

I am going on a trip for the holidays, which includes a long plane flight. I intend to find a book to read on the flight. I pray that The Universe puts into my hands the appropriate text.

Thank you Mother for your care and attention. I promise you, it will not be in vain.