Twisting, Wrenching...

My stomach is in knots. All the anxiety and uncertainty, foreboding and worry I feel has nowhere to manifest it's nervous energy except in the pit of my stomach. I'm warm and out of breath. I can hardy focus my attention on anything, my mind being occupied with keeping this tension from pulling my muscles and organs apart inside this body.

I had almost forgotten how this feels, how it chases away all other sensation away like a tortured, rabid dog, starved for affection and comfort, willing to maim and devour anything nearby. I can feel my heart, not so much beating as it is striking against my ribcage in a seeming attempt to break out through the bars of it's cage.

She sounded nervous on the phone. She's been there for a couple of hours. He's been eyeing her body hungrily for at least that long. I can only imagine the depth of his desire for her flesh - she likes to play with fire. Getting burned has happened often enough to her that it's become an identifyable pattern. I can only Will, hope and pray that she comes back unscorched.

My emotions are mine. I have to seek to change how it feels. I can't expect "the outside" to avoid hurting me in this way, that's foolish. Running will only strengthen the anguish. God, I had forgotten how debilitating this is.

I can't overwhelm myself by thinking that's it's just begun - the first of 4 days (or worse, 3 nights). Stop it!

She told me weeks ago that this trip will not affect our relationship. I never asked her to make specific promises. If I had she would have told me what I wanted to hear regardless of what the actual plan may be. Even assuming she was truthful, plans change. That is something I've learned to expect with her - her word is based only on present emotions, when they shift (or reveal their true character) the plan may easily change.

I can only trust. I can't trust that she won't do something with him. I can't trust that she won't give him the opportunity to do something to her. I can't trust that he won't manufacture an opportunity to do something to her. I can only trust that this is the way it has to be, that this is the way Nature intended for it to be.

All experience is an opportunity to grow, learn and evolve. I have to seize my opportunities here, I must not only cope, but learn to redirect the incoming energy to my benefit. So easily said, yet so immensely daunting.

Something I've learned from art: Deep, nuanced blacks and lower grays provide the image with an enormous potential for contrast. A contrast that lends itself to a stark beauty, full of hues and values pregnant with depth and meaning.

When I set down to draw, I start with the darks. They define the composition and allow for the mental sensation of slowly and carefully "pulling" the image out of the bleakness and chaos. It's only dawned on me recently how symbolically important that process is to me.

Maybe I can understand more if I force myself to perform that symbolic action. Maybe that is my Magick. Perhaps that is my ritual incantation. All of this power and energy MUST go somewhere and if I don't use it for insight and spiritual evolution, it will fester and seep out through the cracks in the walls of my soul, the cracks which are my weaknesses; my drives to self-destruction and torment, self-pity and despair.

How can I avoid using the drawing process as a distraction? That is a question I have to give serious thought to. Right now I need fresh air, I'm starting to feel like I can't breathe again.

The Wise Self or He Who Knows or Holy Guardian Angel

I've always been aware of an aspect of my consciousness that had answers. This aspect has always been something that I could consult for direction or ideas that I could translate into words or images. I've called it "The Wise Self".

It now occurs to me that my "Wise Self" may be the same aspect that Crowley called "The Holy Guardian Angel" or HGA.

Upon recent reflection on what I mean when I internally use the concept "I" (as opposed to the socially useful concept of "I" which refers to the body and mind), it seems to me that I have unwittingly identified with my entire inner world in general, including the desires, drives, analytic/logical faculty, nervous system/sense impressions, etc., calling the whole "I".

If I take that wholistic concept and subject it to the Fire of the intellect, it becomes immediately apparent that there are influences which are felt that cannot possibly be included in the true "I" because they are fleeting, effervecant, controllable, etc. If I can control an impulse for example, that impulse must not be "I" because then who would be the one controlling it?

An image came to me earlier which can best be described as a cloud among a night sky littered with stars. This cloud moves in one direction, then in another. It splits itself off into pieces, then coalesces again taking on a new shape. It never ceases, it continually changes - becoming dense and white, then airy and subtle.

Along it's travels and evolution it seems to come into contact with nearby stars and constellations. One minute engulfing Ursa Major, the next branching off to cover partly the constellation and reaching towards and finally touching some other stars with it's newly formed limbs.

Some of the stars are very bright, some are barely noticable, some in clusters, some without close neighbors.

Is this an analogy for my sense of self? Am "I" the immense cloud(s) with it's limbs and siblings constantly identifying with the stars it comes into contact with? only to shift and move and become another shape that takes in other influences, creating a new "I"?

In this metaphor the Wise Self or HGA must be the Moon, brighter than the other stars, huge in it's influence and grandeur. While the other stars/influences stand out against the night sky, The Wise Self illuminates the earth by reflecting the eternal light of The Sun.

This cloud of identity is controllable, I have it within my power to focus it. If I wish to expend my energy on the sexual influences say (possibly corresponding to a constellation?) I can do so by searching the internet for pictures that arouse that aspect of my libido - the cloud shifts to my will.

If I wish to expend that same energy on spiritual matters, I can do that as well. All the time I mistakenly identify with those impulses, they become "I".

In conclusion, it is obvious to me that I can with sustained effort and perserverance I can learn to shift or identify with The Moon or The Wise Self by concentrating my attention not in the impulsive or emotional or intellectual influences, but by not allowing those influences to distract me. By doing this I can gather the strength/density of The Cloud Called I and direct it/me to The Wise Self, the teacher and master, He Who Knows.

If I can learn to do this efficiently than I'd be willing to bet that I will see dramatic increases in my creative capacity/receptivity, my understanding of the particular plan or narrative that I am involved in, my overall sense of well-being and trust in Nature, and a decrease in the sometimes crippling anxiety about the future that I deal with.

I am convinced that these words are a translation of the impressions and ideas given to my intellect by my Wise Self.

Disgusting

I was working tonight, and in the background the tv was playing a program about the history of the mormon church.

There was a part which described how during the time of the industrial revolution in Britain, the church leaders in America decided to send missionaries to convert the poor, destitute, suffering masses of villagers who had been forced into the cities to live and work in truly horrible, dehumanising conditions.

I was struck by the audacity of such a decision. There are many ugly things that people can do to one another, none more deserving of the term "Evil" than those which prey upon and profit from the spiritual desperation of a suffering soul.

Organized religion has made it it's central focus to control and profit from man's natural longing to understand his god, to find communion with the mystical, and to feel himself a part of the beauty that's inherant in the creations of the universe.

There can be no darker evil, than to prey upon another's spiritual deficit. This is a crime for which there is no equal. This is a crime against The Great Spirit Himself, a criminal act set against the magical Beauty of the Mother Universe Herself.

The most sacred part of the human being is her longing to participate in the Love of her creator, that one true ecstacy of spiritual connection, the Truth that is in fact the only truth.

In God's infinite wisdom and love, all things are forgivable and understood in the light of suffering. But I believe that the Karmic effects of hideous acts like these must be the greatest tragedy that a soul can endure.

To set out to gain from that most mystical of all human suffering; the timeless spiritual longing that has created our wisest shaman, our greatest spiritual teachers, our most profound and beautiful works of art and music; makes me feel deeply angry and sick.

What action could possibly be more horrendous and evil than to take advantage of the very highest, most noble and sweetly innocent pursuit that a suffering soul can engage in?

In my opinion, none.

Here. Now.

I think I may have discovered something interesting and useful while at K's. It happened suddenly as we were driving to get fastfood. Out of the blue, I felt a sense of peace, relaxation and appreciation come over me. It was markedly different from how I was feeling only seconds before.

As this feeling washed over me (like a tide, as feelings normally do when I pay attention to them) I instantly tried to analyze the situation. Why was I feeling this way? I noticed something different about my thoughts. They weren't racing, swirling as they normally are - they were still, content to notice and appreciate the environment.

I was hearing the music playing on the CD player (it was The Birthday Massacre), I was seeing the colored lights of the city, I was feeling the night air. I wasn't searching or trying. Most importantly (I think) I wasn't referencing what I was experiencing to past experiences, nor was I thinking about possible future experiences. It was the simple peace of the present moment.

Is this what the Zen Buddists do when they meditate? As they say: Be Here, Now. Because I constantly reference the present moment to similar past or future moments, I tend to dismiss the present with thoughts like, "I've been down this street before," or "I've heard this song before." In doing so I convince myself that I don't need to pay too much attention to the exact moment I find myself in.

When I allow myself to pay close attention, not to the parts that make up a moment (the separate senses), but to the whole that is the mixture of the pieces, I can feel the novelty of the particular mixture. It's the difference between tasting bread and tasting butter, compared to tasting buttered bread.

I continue to experiment with this conscious perceiving. To varying degrees, I always feel a sense of appreciation and peace.