... ...waiting... ...

I was reading this thread just now entitled A feeling like you are waiting for something??? and I realized that there are other people who have this same feeling.

Ever since I really began a quest to understand myself through introspection and self-reflection around maybe 10 years ago I've noticed this feeling. In fact, it's become one of the most dominate, yet ubiquitous feelings I have on a constant basis throughout the day.

Just this morning it became so strong and almost overwhelming that I found myself silently chanting, "I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for something. What am I waiting for?"

Is it 2012? Is it the introduction to a spiritual master? Whatever it is, my deeper self seems convinced that it is coming, and it will change things. It may a personal change, or it may be something bigger.

This feeling called "waiting" has lead to a tremendous amount of anxiety, discomfort, and foreboding for me. It seems to have something to do with culture or civilization because it seems connected to my sense of lack of purpose - a general apathy concerning my material life.

I'm constantly asking myself, "Why am I still here?" "Why do I pretend to care about stuff?" "Why don't I just stop trying?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "Why do I act at all?"

I'm also waiting for the answers to those questions. I'm waiting for something to give me purpose, something that I can believe in and strive toward. Something I feel is important and worthwhile.

I hesitate to become too entrenched in the world because it feels like it doesn't matter. But I am here aren't I? There must be a reason I am here in the first place. In a way, I feel I do have a purpose for continuing - unfortunately it's unclear to me what that is.

I feel like I should be doing something with my time and energy, something that gets me closer to fulfilling the hidden purpose.

I have to go. My cousin wants to show me her new car. I will act, but I really don't give a shit.