The Forest for the trees.

So I wait. I feel like I'm awaiting a verdict. The trial is taking place inside of her.

She turned off her phone. She wants uninterrupted time with him.

She said she sobbed last night after we talked. It was because she doesn't want me to hurt. Not wanting me to hurt wouldn't cause her to sob, but the guilt of knowing that I will soon be in pain because of her actions might.

Am I assuming too much? Am I jumping to too many conclusions?

I can do 1 of 2 things. Attempt to analyze what little information I have and come to some conclusions, or try not to think about it. Analyzing without real information leads to a tremendous amount of conjecture, and amplifies my anxiety.

I've been doing it without recognizing that I am. It's been automatic and restless. The consequences of doing that have been to make her not want to speak to me - or at least that's the optimistic conclusion.

I want to resist analyzing what's happening over there. It doesn't do me any good and it can't lead to the truth. All I can do is analyze my emotions and actions to learn from them, to illuminate a larger portion of my inner world.

I have to remind myself that I am the being initiating the thought process, I am not the thought process itself. I am the being to whom the emotions are communicating, I am not the emotions nor their communication.

I can choose to focus the attention of my thoughts on whatever I please. They'll analyze what I tell them to if I can remember to direct them and not identify with them. What would I have them analyze? What would benefit my journey? Through experience and logic it's obvious that directing the thoughts to K's actions isn't getting me anywhere.

As I was outside smoking the image of a forest came into my mind. In the image I was hovering above the trees, analyzing the landscape. I could flap my wings, or open them and soar on the wind.

All of those trees combined to form a being called the forest. Each tree was a part of that whole, but seen from the ground this wasn't apparent. All that is apparent from that perspective is the individual vegetation: trees, shrubs, grass. Wandering through the brush and towering trees is frightening; it's a labyrinth.

On the forest floor the trees control me, but above them I control me.

That winged being is my attention. I wish for him to soar and see the landscape for what it really is.